vitanixed :)

…and that, mom, is why u should never hide  poopie snakes in a blender. 

um, what do u mean how do i know that? 

a sip full of boba :)

hee hee, omg, duk duk, this is so pee-licious! and the boba balls are like a bonus prize in every sip! no wonder mom and dad get these things!

uh-oh. this thing was full when mom asked us to watch it for her.  

hmmmmm. i like how u r stinking but nopies, i think mom would notice if we threw it back up into her cup.  o i know! duk duk - u go get some acorns from outside and i will get some water and we can mix it all in and no one will ever notice the diff  -  eeks! no time i hear mom coming! 

why smello, mom. we watched your drink just like u asked us to, but...u were gone for so long, i am sorry 2 say that most of it evaporated. if u would like 2 give us your credit card, me and duk duk would n happy 2 pedal 2 the store and get u another one   :) 

eye to eye :)

hee hee, see mom? this is how we can see eye to eye on pretty much everything. :)

april fools

hee hee o goody, duk duk.  it’s april 1st!

do not worry, i have a doozy. o here she comes now! 

hee hee, um, okay okay, serious face.. mom, me and duk duk have been talking about it and, well, do u think cassie can come over and play with us? 

eeeeeeek! mom, where r u going? that’s not the way it is supposed to -

hey hey,  no we were just kidd-  moooom, wait!

dontchoo know what day today is? 

the scentient sentinel

hee hee, dad, i’m pretty sure that is not how u use that thing.

no seriuously, dad, i’ve watched mom use it like a gazillion times and she never - i mean, u cannot be doing it right bc it doesn’t even smell in here and that pretty much is like the only reason why i personally would even consider - wait, what?

fixing it? what do u mean ?

but dad, i mean, if it is doing that all by itself...i mean, well, dontchoo see?? after all these years of “using” it, we were actually feeding it. and now, finally, it has evolved and become self aware and here u r taking its lid off trying to fix it when really there is nothing here at all to fix. in fact, we should be celebrating its ascent into sentience with like, a party or something really. not gutting it like some common - dad? dad r u even listening to me?

mom, can u please tell dad that he is interfering with a highly complex situation beyond his understanding and that he should put everything back and cease all operations immediately?

o and tell him if he finds any tightly wrapped packages of gummy worms marked top secret do not show duk duk on them - well if he finds anything like that, like behind its water tank or something, then i am pretty sure it did that. u know, because it became self aware and all. :)

statistically significant

dear diary,
after finally collecting several years worth of data, i am fairly certain that the tushie man does not know how to read. and that is all i really want to say about that now. bc despite making yet another and very clearly worded sign, u can pretty much guess what happened👉😱z

anyhoo, i hope u have a wonderful weekend.

toodleydoo!
b :)

after school delight

eeeeeEEEEEeeeeEeeeeek! hey, that’s MY bowl!! no touchy, no touchy, cassie! SHEESH. can’t a wolf even have a little time to decompress after he gets home from a long day of not listening in school? ay yi yi. now i gotta waste a whole month’s worth of gummy worms just to send my bowl thru the hydrosonic decootaminator like a zilloon times. arrrrrrgh. seriously cassie if u would just learn - ugh, u are not even listening! moooom?

mom, i cannot believe i am asking this, but...if this cassie coming over thing is going 2 keep being a habit, are there any after school programs that u can at least temproarily enroll me and duk duk into? i mean, like, even for math or reading or something??

can can :)

..i can too. can. can. can. can. can. can 2. can..can can can can can. oh wait, maybe you’re..wrong! nopies i totally can. can too. can with a capital can. let’s see, what day is today again? o that’s right, it’s not friday, it’s can-toosday! hmm, is it time for lunchy lunch yet cuz i sure go for a giant can-toona sandwich right about now. can. totally can. can times infinity. can times a million infinity!

duk duk, how is it possible that we are even having this conversation right now when u know i am right?
fine. but i am going to need mom to help so let me ask her.

mom, can u please hold a match up to my butt so i can prove to duk duk that i can breathe fire?

capital offense :)

hee hee hee, new snackies!! b, b, b...

mine mine mi- hey!

no snitching, turkey breath! it’s not my fault some dukkie played hooky while me and mom filled orders yesterday. i earned these birthday cake snackies fair and square. besides...

with the b and all, they practically have my name on each and every one of them. so no sharesies and definitely no snitching.

wait, what? nopies. nope, no way nosiree. nope. how can u even say that? look. they are too. fine, we will ask mom.

mom, are these snackies shaped like a capital b or two capital ds??

perthonal beth

hee hee i prometh, mom, u hwill noth regreth thith becauth i haf been practithing. thith whithle hwill be tho good, hit will be hmy perthonal beth. juth hang on a hthec while i relakth hmy lipth and focuth...hokay, hready?

(PFWEEEEEeeeEeeeeEeeOoooot!)

hee hee, ta-thaaaah!

peee-eeew. hokay u can hleth go hnow my eyeth r tharting 2 wather from the thmell . :)

easter, finally :)

well, we were just thinking, mom, that he probably really deserves it on account of all the eggs he takes without really asking. and then, when he gives them out, he gets all the credit when what did he do, really? i mean, he has all year to come up with something original that he can make himself and he has all year to come up with something fun to do but what does he do? every year he gives out chicken eggs he stole from, u guessed it, chickens, and every year if u r really not luckee, he makes u scary santa sit on his lap for pictures at the mall. only it is worse because u do not even get to ask him for presents or anything so u pretty much dressed up and stress pooped for nothing. not to mention the humiliation of the whole experience really - i mean, u probably do not understand that on account of not being natural born predator like me and duk duk, but trust me, wolves and falcons do not just sit on their prey’s lap if u know what i mean.

o, and the jelly beans that everyone thinks he poops? not even. chocobot says he poops pellets just like every other bunny cuz he saw him pooping at last easter’s invitation only tgiafter easter disco party. which he only started holding after he found out about our tgidiscofriday parties and u know he knows we know which is why he did not invite us.

so, anyway, i guess what me and duk duk are trying to say is, yes, we think it is perfectly fine to ask if u would help us rent a backhoe so we can finally dig a big enough hole to finally trap him and finally when we do, we finally can go rawwwr on him and finally that would be that. cuz ima wolf. and he’s a falcon. and rawwring is what we do. :)

lessons unlearned :)

kaaack! kaaaack! hee hee hee. fooowhee, even with my mask on that was a doozy and a half, duk duk. thank goodness we made sure fresh air is only a tent flap away. what’s that? o, yeppies, i totally agree. although even if we could get gjetost, i am not really sure there will be a next time because technically we promised mom that we would never play guess whose foofie inside the house again much less in the bedroom where we all sleep at night. hee hee, yeah, i guess we do make that promise every time. but seriously how could she expect us not to play after she made us this incredible blankie fort? it’s pretty much like she was telling us to play, right? i mean - uh-oh, i hear mom coming...

um, mom, before u lose consciousness from the overwhelming stench we just made, me and duk duk just wanted to tell u..whoops, there she goes. too late.


u know, u think she’d have learned by now to put her gas mask on before she starts looking for us.

hypoopthetically speaking

..well, if it had 2 happen, i suppose i would be like..

“eeeeew thanks for the smelly valentine flowers i guess, but next time just wear gloves and leave some gummy worms in my locker cuz that way me and duk duk can share them okay?”

yeppies, i am pretty sure that’s what i would do. :)

etsy fresh: baxter & duk duk's guts and glory dachshund xray secret story valentine's day card

hee hee, omg, duk duk, our super new xray guts and glory valentine's day cards turned out really swell, dontchoo think? do not tell mom, but this totally makes up for actually having to get that darned xray from the scary special tushie man so long ago.  i cannot wait for everybuddt 2 find these cards in our etsy shop!
 

  

what's that, duk duk?  yeppies, i agree.  i am glad we resisted the temptation to color that part brown like we really wanted to.  it is definitely more subtle this way.  and that way it can be a secret that nobuddy will know except u and me and anybuddy who knows what we know if they know where 2 look.  

 so on the outside, when u r giving out valentines, u can look all innocent and be like,  "hi howya doin? my what a pretty dress u r wearing. cooties, what cooties?  here's a valentine's day card, see ya. "

 
and on the inside u can be like, hawhaw, the jokes on u - i just gave u a valentine with an xray of my incredibly packed poopie filled colon on there, too. 

 
well okay, intestines.  but colon just sounds better when u think it, doesn't it?

anyhoo, i sure hope our friends think this will be a unique and swell valentine's day card to send to their friends this year because i know we do! :)

clicky here to score yours today! :) -->
https://www.etsy.com/listing/574124228/dachshund-xray-bottom-of-my-heart-guts?ref=shop_home_active_1



 

pee-coy pooper

um, well, dad, i guess...well... okay, i guess maybe it could be almond roca...and, well, i guess maybe it could be possible that the almond roca was coincidentally deposited on the snow yesterday night during a time when it appeared i was fulfilling my promise 2 poop outside...

but technically it was not wasted
and tecnically i did drop a load outside. so i feel i met my quota, dontchoo?

i think, i thank, i thunk :)

hee hee hee. oh yeah, this is totally going to work.

what??? snufflupagus? okay fine, duk duk. roll it up so my nose shows but that’s it. besides, if ima gonna wear it all day at school i guess it would be good to have a second blow hole. well, i mean a second smell hole. wait, i guess i still need to clarify. a blow hole slash smell hole for breathing in. which technically makes this new hole the one (and only) blow slash smell hole for that particular purpose. because the other blow slash smell hole that we already accommodated is really more of an blow out-

(sniff sniff) mom?

um, o nothing really. just getting ready for school. and well, u know how my ears get really cold ? and, well, the rest of me really? and u know how i cannot wear my puffy coat during class anymore for, well, reasons? well, tadaah - solution. say hello to the shai hulud 3000. now with two blow holes.

wait, what, mom?

hmmm...

hmmmmmm..

hmmmmmmmmm..

nopies, mom. i do not think that wearing this will affect my ability to learn any less than i already do in school :)